MY KID IS WEIRD!

What: We were sitting outside, "A" eating her lollipop, me taking picture of her. There were three flies buzzing around. 

A: Those are my buggy friends.
Me: Okay.
A: They love me so much.
Me: I'm sure they do.
A: Oh, buggy friends! Eat this lollipop!
A: Oh, buggy friends. Come here, buggy friends. Look, Mama! That buggy friend looks at me!

Another family walks by; a mother and a girl around 4 years of age. The girl promptly starts running to "A", shooing the flies away.

A: NO! THOSE ARE MY BUGGY FRIENDS!

The family freezes and stares at "A". The little girl continues shooing the flies.

A: NO! STOP! MY BUGGY FRIENDS! STOP!

"A" gets up and gets in Little Girl's face.

A: THOSE ARE MY BUGGY FRIENDS! LEAVE MY BUGGY FRIENDS 'LONE!

The mother looked at me blankly. Probably expecting some sort of parenting.

Me: Uh, the flies are her friends.
A: They love me so much.

My fairy-tale version of:

The Three Little Pigs.

My version would go something like this:


"Ha, ha, sucker."


"Yeah, the little brick house on the left. Thanks."

Dora Vs. Diego

Aamirah watches these two shows (mainly when she's not around me, because I totally banned them when I'm around): Dora the Explorer and Go, Diego, Go.

Lately she's been asking for Diego more than Dora. This makes me displeased. Why do I care, you ask? This is why:

1. Diego's voice versus Dora's voice
I know people who want to stab their eardrums with ice picks when they hear Dora on, but Diego is worse. The emphasis on the syllables or beats of each sentence is exactly the same:

Bah BAH bah bah BAH-bah-bah BAH bah BAH! Bah BAH bah bah BAH-bah-bah BAH bah BAH!
The PUma is CHAsing the RED-eyed TOAD! We HAVE to save BAby Toad OR he'll DIE!

2. Diego is constantly saving animals that I have never heard of, making me feel stupid.
Although, I'd like to believe that many people don't know what a Kinkajou is.

3. The review at the end is pointless. 
It drags out the end, and it's even too simple for a 3-year-old child.

Does a fish live in water or in molten lava? Does a butterfly eat from a flower, or a rhinoceros ass?

4. Backpack could kick Rescue Pack's ass.

5. Bobos vs. Swiper

Come on! No contest. But I hate monkeys. Including Curious George.

If my brain filter didn't work

Here are the fantasy responses to recent conversations.

Aamirah: I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!
Me: Then get a job and go buy some.

Aamirah (pushing the grocery cart at the store): I'm driving!
Woman (visibly annoyed): I see that.
Me: You don't know how fortunate you are to even gaze upon my perfect little angel, Jerkface. Now get out of her way.

Neighbor Girl (for the third time in one day): Can Aamirah come out and play?
Me: Good lord, kid. You are so lonely and you need attention. Your parents fucking suck.

Aamirah, Lexi or Zachery: Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, please!
Me: I think I'm going to hunt down the director of this show and punch him in the face.