Friday, September 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
WORDLESS WEDNESDAY!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
MY KID IS WEIRD!
What: We were sitting outside, "A" eating her lollipop, me taking picture of her. There were three flies buzzing around.
A: Those are my buggy friends.
Me: Okay.
A: They love me so much.
Me: I'm sure they do.
A: Oh, buggy friends! Eat this lollipop!
A: Oh, buggy friends. Come here, buggy friends. Look, Mama! That buggy friend looks at me!
Another family walks by; a mother and a girl around 4 years of age. The girl promptly starts running to "A", shooing the flies away.
A: NO! THOSE ARE MY BUGGY FRIENDS!
The family freezes and stares at "A". The little girl continues shooing the flies.
A: NO! STOP! MY BUGGY FRIENDS! STOP!
"A" gets up and gets in Little Girl's face.
A: THOSE ARE MY BUGGY FRIENDS! LEAVE MY BUGGY FRIENDS 'LONE!
The mother looked at me blankly. Probably expecting some sort of parenting.
Me: Uh, the flies are her friends.
A: They love me so much.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
My fairy-tale version of:
The Three Little Pigs.
My version would go something like this:
"Ha, ha, sucker."
"Yeah, the little brick house on the left. Thanks."
My version would go something like this:
"Ha, ha, sucker."
"Yeah, the little brick house on the left. Thanks."
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Dora Vs. Diego
Aamirah watches these two shows (mainly when she's not around me, because I totally banned them when I'm around): Dora the Explorer and Go, Diego, Go.
Lately she's been asking for Diego more than Dora. This makes me displeased. Why do I care, you ask? This is why:
1. Diego's voice versus Dora's voice
I know people who want to stab their eardrums with ice picks when they hear Dora on, but Diego is worse. The emphasis on the syllables or beats of each sentence is exactly the same:
Bah BAH bah bah BAH-bah-bah BAH bah BAH! Bah BAH bah bah BAH-bah-bah BAH bah BAH!
The PUma is CHAsing the RED-eyed TOAD! We HAVE to save BAby Toad OR he'll DIE!
2. Diego is constantly saving animals that I have never heard of, making me feel stupid.
Although, I'd like to believe that many people don't know what a Kinkajou is.
3. The review at the end is pointless.
It drags out the end, and it's even too simple for a 3-year-old child.
Does a fish live in water or in molten lava? Does a butterfly eat from a flower, or a rhinoceros ass?
4. Backpack could kick Rescue Pack's ass.
Lately she's been asking for Diego more than Dora. This makes me displeased. Why do I care, you ask? This is why:
1. Diego's voice versus Dora's voice
I know people who want to stab their eardrums with ice picks when they hear Dora on, but Diego is worse. The emphasis on the syllables or beats of each sentence is exactly the same:
Bah BAH bah bah BAH-bah-bah BAH bah BAH! Bah BAH bah bah BAH-bah-bah BAH bah BAH!
The PUma is CHAsing the RED-eyed TOAD! We HAVE to save BAby Toad OR he'll DIE!
2. Diego is constantly saving animals that I have never heard of, making me feel stupid.
Although, I'd like to believe that many people don't know what a Kinkajou is.
It drags out the end, and it's even too simple for a 3-year-old child.
Does a fish live in water or in molten lava? Does a butterfly eat from a flower, or a rhinoceros ass?
5. Bobos vs. Swiper
Come on! No contest. But I hate monkeys. Including Curious George.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
If my brain filter didn't work
Here are the fantasy responses to recent conversations.
Aamirah: I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!
Me: Then get a job and go buy some.
Aamirah (pushing the grocery cart at the store): I'm driving!
Woman (visibly annoyed): I see that.
Me: You don't know how fortunate you are to even gaze upon my perfect little angel, Jerkface. Now get out of her way.
Neighbor Girl (for the third time in one day): Can Aamirah come out and play?
Me: Good lord, kid. You are so lonely and you need attention. Your parents fucking suck.
Aamirah, Lexi or Zachery: Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, please!
Me: I think I'm going to hunt down the director of this show and punch him in the face.
Aamirah: I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!
Me: Then get a job and go buy some.
Aamirah (pushing the grocery cart at the store): I'm driving!
Woman (visibly annoyed): I see that.
Me: You don't know how fortunate you are to even gaze upon my perfect little angel, Jerkface. Now get out of her way.
Neighbor Girl (for the third time in one day): Can Aamirah come out and play?
Me: Good lord, kid. You are so lonely and you need attention. Your parents fucking suck.
Aamirah, Lexi or Zachery: Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, please!
Me: I think I'm going to hunt down the director of this show and punch him in the face.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
This is your brain on motherhood!
This is your brain. (Holding up one large uncooked egg)
This is your brain on motherhood. (Egg cracked into hot frying pan.) Popping and sizzling ensues.
This Is Your Brain On Motherhood...overeasy and scrambled all at the same time.
Any questions????
People told me that when I got pregnant I would get stupid. While I certainly have my “blond moments”, I have always thought of myself as a relatively intelligent person, so on one hand I figured losing a few brain cells was no big deal since I had some to spare. When I lost my job and stay home people said I would get stupid. They said that I would forget how to have adult conversations and when I did, I would fall into baby talk. They said my mind would turn to mush and I would go crazy. Fast forward three years and I can still carry on a coherent conversation, even though it is usually about my kid. I am not big on baby talk to begin with, so I think I am in the clear on that one. I think it is pretty apparent that I was already crazy before I had a kid and as far as my mind being mush? Well, more like a well ripened banana at this point. It seems as though my memory is the real casualty. I sometimes think I need to pin notes to the front of my shirt that say, “Dear Checkout person at Publix, Please, tell me I need to buy bread…and don’t let me walk away without it after I buy it.” I should also include a note that asks them to remind me to use my coupons and did you get ricotta cheese so you can make lasagna tonight? Because most times I go to the store for 3 things and I walk out with a cart full of things I didn’t intend on buying and forget the three things I went there for. I also often stand in front of the cabinets knowing I went to get something and simply cannot remember what. The upshot is sometimes while I am staring aimlessly at the cabinets trying to figure out what I went there for, I realize I put the milk in there instead of the fridge.......
Let’s not forget to mention who my company is all day. When you surround yourself with a kid whose focus is how to get a treat without eating their grilled cheese and grapes, twirling around in a princess dress while singing to herself, you tend to get a little batty. Then there is the incessant calling of your name, usually for no reason. Finally, I think I could probably complete a task or remember to take the dogs out if I wasn’t always on high alert waiting for something to break, "A" to fall or for "A" to open the door and run out to the sidewalk and start rolling around in the grass. Of course, this usually happens when it is raining, I have a white tank top with no bra on or both, so I am hoping that me screaming "A" get back here! does not prompt the neighbors to look out their door.
BUT... I’ve gotta say, TV tops the list as main cause of brain degeneration. I really appreciate some of these shows for their creativity, ability to teach my kid and give me a chance to make dinner, like WordWorld, but some of the other ones just rot the brain...both my kid and mine. For example, Yo Gabba Gabba, Wow Wow Wubzy (the names alone indicates you will get stupider after watching them) and Backyardigans. Whatever the cause of my ditziness may be, at the end of the day I am “fried.” (see 1980’s Say No to Drugs commercial reference above). It took me awhile to write this blog because I couldn’t remember all the things I forget on a regular basis. Of course, I am sure it doesn’t help that my coping mechanism for the insanity is drinking wine after my kid goes to bed.
But hey, what are a few more brain cells, right? I’ll just blame it on the hormones.
This is your brain on motherhood. (Egg cracked into hot frying pan.) Popping and sizzling ensues.
This Is Your Brain On Motherhood...overeasy and scrambled all at the same time.
Any questions????
People told me that when I got pregnant I would get stupid. While I certainly have my “blond moments”, I have always thought of myself as a relatively intelligent person, so on one hand I figured losing a few brain cells was no big deal since I had some to spare. When I lost my job and stay home people said I would get stupid. They said that I would forget how to have adult conversations and when I did, I would fall into baby talk. They said my mind would turn to mush and I would go crazy. Fast forward three years and I can still carry on a coherent conversation, even though it is usually about my kid. I am not big on baby talk to begin with, so I think I am in the clear on that one. I think it is pretty apparent that I was already crazy before I had a kid and as far as my mind being mush? Well, more like a well ripened banana at this point. It seems as though my memory is the real casualty. I sometimes think I need to pin notes to the front of my shirt that say, “Dear Checkout person at Publix, Please, tell me I need to buy bread…and don’t let me walk away without it after I buy it.” I should also include a note that asks them to remind me to use my coupons and did you get ricotta cheese so you can make lasagna tonight? Because most times I go to the store for 3 things and I walk out with a cart full of things I didn’t intend on buying and forget the three things I went there for. I also often stand in front of the cabinets knowing I went to get something and simply cannot remember what. The upshot is sometimes while I am staring aimlessly at the cabinets trying to figure out what I went there for, I realize I put the milk in there instead of the fridge.......
Let’s not forget to mention who my company is all day. When you surround yourself with a kid whose focus is how to get a treat without eating their grilled cheese and grapes, twirling around in a princess dress while singing to herself, you tend to get a little batty. Then there is the incessant calling of your name, usually for no reason. Finally, I think I could probably complete a task or remember to take the dogs out if I wasn’t always on high alert waiting for something to break, "A" to fall or for "A" to open the door and run out to the sidewalk and start rolling around in the grass. Of course, this usually happens when it is raining, I have a white tank top with no bra on or both, so I am hoping that me screaming "A" get back here! does not prompt the neighbors to look out their door.
BUT... I’ve gotta say, TV tops the list as main cause of brain degeneration. I really appreciate some of these shows for their creativity, ability to teach my kid and give me a chance to make dinner, like WordWorld, but some of the other ones just rot the brain...both my kid and mine. For example, Yo Gabba Gabba, Wow Wow Wubzy (the names alone indicates you will get stupider after watching them) and Backyardigans. Whatever the cause of my ditziness may be, at the end of the day I am “fried.” (see 1980’s Say No to Drugs commercial reference above). It took me awhile to write this blog because I couldn’t remember all the things I forget on a regular basis. Of course, I am sure it doesn’t help that my coping mechanism for the insanity is drinking wine after my kid goes to bed.
But hey, what are a few more brain cells, right? I’ll just blame it on the hormones.
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